


i beat my own self for having my heart flutter at you

by lovemenow



Category: AB6IX, MXM (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up Talk, M/M, actually context doesnt matter its whatever, donghyun im sorry in advance, gotta love breakups!, honestly what to tag idk, rebounds and the like, short-ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-18 15:17:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16121219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovemenow/pseuds/lovemenow
Summary: if donghyun were in youngmin's shoes, he'd do the same thing.





	i beat my own self for having my heart flutter at you

**Author's Note:**

> somehow i always find myself being in donghyun's shoes... and feeling guilty all the damn time and never quite forgiving myself for doing this. i'm in a real angsty mood and i was thinking about this draft a lot, so here it is. <3
> 
> title is from hoping that you'd love me.

Guilt, and the likes of it. Pretty much what Donghyun is feeling right now. Like utter shit.

 

He glances at Youngmin sitting sprawled across the love-seat, his dark hair falling over his forehead and his round frames resting on the bridge of his nose. He's immensely focused on the book he's reading — more specifically, a book about one-sided love and forced feelings and toxic relationships. It's silent in the living room of the small flat, and Donghyun wants to do something, literally  _anything_ , to break it. It's too much for him. The quietness rings in his ears incessantly, almost to the point where it hurts to simply  _breathe_. He sighs.

 

It's been too long. Way too long. Donghyun figures he needs to stop pushing the elder man away. Youngmin's his  _boyfriend_. And your boyfriend should be one of the people you are so comfortable with about sharing your deepest secrets and ugliest problems to. Unfortunately for Donghyun, Youngmin is never first in his mind. Rather, the elder man is always the last one he would think about. Which fucking sucks. Obviously Donghyun knows that. He knows it's not ideal in a relationship that he's been in for over ten months. Fuck.  _Not ideal_ doesn't even cut it. This shouldn't even be happening at all.

 

"Donghyun? You've been standing there for like, five minutes just blanking out," Youngmin sets his book down on the coffee table. He sits up and pats the empty spot beside him, motioning the younger to scoot over. "Sit with me. I miss you."

 

Oh no. There he goes again.

 

Guilt builds up into something more, bubbling up in his heart and rushing through his veins. Donghyun hates how he feels when Youngmin tells him he loves him or he misses him, knowing that he would feel forced to return those words back. He musters a smile and settles down beside the elder man anyway, crossing his legs and placing a cushion on his lap. He holds back the urge to tuck his hands beneath the cushion just so Youngmin can't caress them and press his lips against the back of them. Donghyun purses his mouth into a thin line and looks straight into the elder's eyes. He winces at the concern concealed behind his gaze.

 

"Baby? What's wrong?" Youngmin reaches out to intertwine their fingers together. His thumb gently strokes his skin. Donghyun pretends not to know what he's talking about. Like he's speaking in some sort of foreign language he didn't grow up learning. "Let's see. You've been oddly quiet for the past two weeks. You've been avoiding me, finding excuses not to go out with me. Donghyun, something's not right," he frowns, squeezing his hand lightly. "I'm your boyfriend. And you know I'll be here for you, hey?"

 

_That's why I can't tell you anything. Because you'll always be here. Because you've always been here._

 

Donghyun remembers the first time he fell asleep on Youngmin's shoulder. He remembers how he was crying because someone else was hurting him, and he was so in love with that person, so blinded and so adamant to leave him behind. He remembers how Youngmin gently took his hand and rubbed circles on his skin with his calloused thumb, telling him it was okay. He remembers how Youngmin forced him to look into his eyes because Donghyun's gaze was wandering elsewhere, looking for someone else in the crowd of the cafeteria, and his hushed voice telling him, "look for those who are already in front of you."

 

It wasn't until over a year later that Donghyun finally got himself convinced that he did reciprocate whatever Youngmin was feeling for him. Eventually the both of them got tired of beating around the bush and started dating. And Donghyun... let's just say he thought things were well, and that the void in his heart was going to be filled by Youngmin and no one else. Let's just say, he'd assumed he was happy. That his past was in his past, and nothing was going to come between him and his happiness ever since then.

 

Too bad. He was wrong.

 

Sometime after breaking things off with that someone else who had left him wounded, he came back into Donghyun's life with no warning sign or a knock on his door whatsoever. What Donghyun had previously assumed was a clean break ended up being the complete opposite. Every now and then, he would come haunting his thoughts like a spirit unable to be put to rest, causing sleepless nights and tear-stained cheeks. And Donghyun doesn't get it, really — they weren't even official. It was a fling-like relationship; friendship, if it makes it any better. So what was it that was making him feel like complete dirt every time he thinks of the past?

 

Above all, why was he thinking of the past in the first place, when he had Youngmin to look forward to in his present?

 

People around him tell him it's best he stops hiding it from Youngmin, even if it would hurt him. At least, no secrets will be kept from him, and Donghyun doesn't have to lie about anything. Youngmin knows about his past, and he doesn't mind giving Donghyun his time and space to get over it, because he knows how much the relationship meant to him, how hard he fell, how much that third person mattered in his life. And Donghyun knows that. He knows Youngmin is understanding, as a person and as his boyfriend, but he's not entirely sure if he wants to break it out to him that it's been almost two years since that guy walked out of his life and he's still caught up in his thoughts and having mixed emotions about the whole situation.

 

Others tell him the only choice available here is to end their relationship. To just throw all of that ten months worth of sitting at home and watching all Harry Potter movies, pulling all-nighters and competing who could eat ramen faster, arguing and fighting about the most trivial issues and making up all over again. When Donghyun asks them why, they simply tell him, "you're losing feelings."

 

And after much thought, Donghyun decides, maybe this is the right time to talk to Youngmin about it.

 

"Can I get it out of my chest?" Donghyun turns away from the elder man. He hears Youngmin hum quietly in response. "You know... I don't even realise I'm pushing you away sometimes and, I think I'm just unknowingly doing that, or avoiding you, because I just feel really guilty about some things?" He leans back against the love-seat, closing his eyes and exhaling deeply. "I'm just... I don't know, Youngmin."

 

He feels Youngmin's eyes burning his skin. "Just tell me."

 

"Get this? I just feel bad and I feel like absolute crap being around you. And it's not because you radiate bad vibes or anything, really, it's honestly just me. I'm always feeling guilty, because of so many things and, God, seriously, Youngmin, you deserve someone so much more than this. So much more than  _me_ ," he chews on his inner cheek.

 

Youngmin looks at him, brows knitted. "But you're more than enough, Donghyun. You're an amazing person."

 

"If I'm conflicted?" he snaps, glancing at the elder man. "Would I still be amazing if I can't decide on what I want?"

 

It causes the silence to fall over them again. "I just hate that I'm being like this, okay?" he runs a hand through his hair. "I've been like this since last year and I'm still like this, that just makes me look like the biggest jerk. I've talked to so many people about my feelings and you know what? It's the honest, brutal truth that you love me more than I love you, and I don't want to hurt you, Youngmin, but they tell me that the chances of you being a rebound are so high, that it's not even something impossible anymore." Donghyun places his head in his hands. "I don't want you to be with someone who is physically with you, just for the sake of being with you, but constantly has his mind elsewhere. In the long run that's just going to hurt you and I... I don't ever want that."

 

"That's a lot to take in," Youngmin says after a while. "I just know that I love you, Donghyun. Really. You'd think I'm mad at you because of the attitude you've been giving me but, I can't find reasons to be mad at you. You'd think you're hurting me but you're not... in fact I don't want to hurt  _you_ by thinking you're hurting me, because you aren't, and honestly, sure, I'm kind of upset that you didn't tell me this earlier but, I'm not mad at you."

 

Donghyun breathes. "And if I told you that it's just a fact you're a rebound?"

 

"Then I can accept that. I can forgive you. I can move on and I can leave you if you want me to, if it's for your own sake," the elder man tells him gently, his voice quiet. "If you're sure about it, and you want it, I can do it, Donghyun. We can end it right now." Youngmin leans forward, turning to look at the latter. "It just sounds dumb, Hyun, but I love you and I've never been positive about anything else. But if me leaving you would make you happy, then I'm willing to, because I already told you I would do anything for you to be happy."

 

The younger looks up to meet Youngmin's gaze, fiddling with the hem of his sweater, pulling in his bottom lip with his teeth. All the while he's been waiting for this... suddenly he doesn't know why there's some kind of sadness filling up the hole in his heart. As though there's a force almost holding him back from telling Youngmin that a breakup isn't what he wants. As if... whatever he just poured out to Youngmin was just one big lie.

 

Youngmin left his flat that night and never returned. Donghyun doesn't quite know why he feels like the void in his heart seemingly gets bigger with each minute that passes, and with each hit he gets that reminds him Youngmin just left him. He's unable to pinpoint the reasons why the breakup just made him feel so much more worse than before, as if the guilt from not being able to disclose his problems to his significant other wasn't already enough.

 

Several days later when Donghyun bumps into Youngmin at the coffee shop where they first met, he understands why he feels as though there's always going to be an empty spot in his heart from now onwards. He finally understands why there was hesitance before he told Youngmin he wants the end. But maybe he was too late.

 

Looking at himself in the mirror, if he were anyone else, he'd leave himself too.

**Author's Note:**

> oof while i was writing this love me now and hoping that you'd love me played consecutively. gave me a little bit of a mental breakdown. take it as how donghyun feels after the breakup. :)
> 
> i hope you guys liked this small drabble! i felt the need to write this because there's been so much in my head and i didn't know how else to express my emotions. my twt is @flirtwoong if anyone wants to talk! <3
> 
> much love. x


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